Hello and welcome. My name is Yelkskin Romanov. I have no middle name. I am from the Republic of Tajikistan. Tajikistan is a country not known for cheese, unlike France or the State of Wisconsin or California. I am in the cheese profession. Specifically, I am a holder of cheese.
Above you can see a picture from my youthful days. I spent my days of youth in America. This is from my freshman year of college. My father was a researcher in America. I am ashamed but I have no picture of myself now.
One weekend during college I saw a cheese club poster. I went to the meeting and joined. A few weeks in we had a cheese tasting. Yes, alcohol was involved and we were all smashed. One of them (I don't remember now) held some cheese and passed it to me.
I had found my calling. Now, I hold cheese and have been perfecting the art for over two decades.
I have many favorite cheeses. The following three are at the top. Though I enjoy holding all three of these, my favorite thing to do with each of these cheeses is different.
This cheese comes from goat's milk. I prefer it to cow's because of its distinct flavor. My favorite thing with goat cheese is holding it. I put it on my palm and I can have it there for hours. Each minute holding this cheese is wonderful.
Sometimes I have the cheese roll up to my fingers and fall to my other hand. It is from this act that I can begin to understand infinity. If possible, this could go on forever.
What more can I say than "I Love You"!? I can say you are a TRANSCENDENTAL EXPERIENCE! Cottage cheese is not only good for eating. Have you ever swam in cottage cheese? You should. I tell you, if you ever hold cheese—just imagine the cheese holding you! This is my top religious experience. This is where I find the bliss from God. My priest laughs when I tell him. But I am ok with that.
I cut this cheese into ten pieces. Each piece has a main hole, large enough for a finger. Then I put the ten swiss cheese pieces on my hands. This brings me back to childhood when everything was carefree and reminds me of finger-painting. Sometimes I paint with melted cheese. But be careful with melted cheese!
NUMBER ONE: DO NOT HOLD HOT HOT FRESH MELTED CHEESE!
NUMBER TWO: Do not forget to eat because you are lost in the cheese. BE STRONG!
NUMBER THREE (1/2): Do not eat only cheese. HAVE STRENGTH! Variety in your diet is great!
NUMBER THREE (2/2): Do not gorge yourself on cottage cheese if you ever swim in it—it is NASTY! (Eat some before swimming if you must, but follow rule THREE.)
NUMBER FOUR: Do not throw hard cheese at your partners. Soft cheese is ok. Fun times!